Why emotional regulation is something we can learn
Hi lovely people,
Autumn is definitely starting to arrive in London and I’m quite happy about it — cooler mornings, autumnal walks and getting excited about all the cosy things that come with this time of year.
On Friday I went to AllBright’s Live Well Festival in London, which I always really enjoy, and one of the panels was about over-optimising ourselves. It was interesting to hear that conversation still being discussed so much — the pressure we put on ourselves to sleep better, eat better, exercise more, be more productive, do more for our health… and how easily all of that can become another thing to feel stressed about.
Self-compassion came up a few times, which felt very relevant after last week’s special episode of The Health Review on emotional regulation, shame and self-compassion with three leading therapists. One of those conversations is with psychotherapist Toby Ingham, who talks about how emotional regulation isn’t something you either naturally have or you don’t — it’s something we can get better at.
So that’s what I’m looking at this week.
Emily x
🧴 That "fresh clean" smell may be filling your home with nanoparticles
Researchers found that the fragrance compounds in scented cleaning products, including the lemon, pine and lavender ones, react with ozone indoors and create billions or even trillions of ultrafine particles within minutes. The particles are small enough to reach deep into the lungs, and often too small for a home air monitor to pick up. In some cases the dose people breathe in may be comparable to, or greater than, standing beside a busy road. The findings were presented at an American Chemical Society meeting, so this isn't a full paper yet.
😴 More REM sleep is linked to a lower risk of 83 diseases
A study followed more than 95,000 UK adults who wore wrist trackers for a week, then tracked their health for around nine years. People who spent more time in REM sleep had a lower risk of 83 conditions, including dementia, heart failure and Parkinson's disease, with around 46% lower dementia risk for every extra 48 minutes of REM. More deep sleep was linked to a lower risk of seven conditions, including type 2 diabetes and major depression. Getting six to eight hours a night was associated with the lowest risk overall, while under five hours was linked to a higher risk of 37 conditions. It's observational, and wrist trackers only estimate sleep stages.
🧠 Long COVID may involve damage to the brain's dopamine-releasing neurons
A brain imaging study from Toronto's Centre for Addiction and Mental Health found that people with long COVID had lower levels of a marker for dopamine-releasing neurons than healthy volunteers, in the brain regions linked to motivation, movement and memory. The pattern of loss matched people's symptoms: reduced motivation, slower movement and memory difficulties. It may offer a biological explanation for the fatigue and brain fog that so many people with long COVID describe, and the researchers plan a clinical trial of treatments that improve dopamine function.
🦠 Gut bacteria could be an early diabetes warning
Your gut microbiome may start showing signs of type 2 diabetes risk long before any blood test picks it up. In a sweeping analysis of more than 200,000 adults, researchers at the University of Trento found hundreds of bacterial shifts linked to diabetes and prediabetes — some appearing even in people with completely normal blood sugar. It's observational, so causation can't be confirmed. But if tracking your microbiome could show that diet and lifestyle changes are working at a bacterial level — before the scales or blood tests move — that's a motivating feedback loop for people trying to reduce their risk.
🧠 Stanford scientists say the human brain may be two organs fused together
Researchers have found that the front and back of the brain may develop from two different groups of cells, rather than from one single starting point. A similar pattern was seen in chickens, zebrafish and even acorn worms, suggesting that two ancient nervous systems may have joined together hundreds of millions of years ago. The team has also grown human hindbrain neurons in the lab for the first time, which could help future research into conditions such as ALS and spinal muscular atrophy.
Finding Clean Food Just Got Easier
I wanted to tell you about a brand I’ve been using a lot recently called Vilgain.
What first appealed to me was the ingredient lists. I’m always looking for foods that are a bit simpler, without lots of unnecessary emulsifiers, artificial sweeteners, preservatives or fillers, and that’s very much the approach Vilgain takes. Their products use minimalist, natural formulas without artificial colourings, preservatives, or heavy chemical sweeteners.
At home I’ve been using their pulled beef and tinned fish for quick high-protein lunches, their nut butters, dried fruits and olive oil spray. They also have a big sports nutrition range with protein powders, bars and electrolytes.
Vilgain is now available in the UK and they’re supporting the newsletter this week. If you fancy having a look, you can use HEALTHREVIEW for 10% off at checkout — and I’ve put together a list of the Vilgain products I’ve been using here.
Why emotional regulation is something we can learn
We all know someone who seems almost impossible to rattle — the person whose flight gets cancelled and simply makes another plan, who doesn’t spend hours analysing a slightly cold whatsapp message, and who can have an argument without immediately spiralling afterwards.
Some people probably are naturally calmer and less reactive than others. We don't all start from exactly the same place, and the environment we grow up in matters too. But something that really stayed with me after revisiting my conversation with psychotherapist Toby Ingham for The Health Review was his argument that our starting point doesn't have to be where we stay.
Emotional regulation can get better.
Some people start with a steadier baseline
Toby talked about people who grow up in emotionally stable homes and absorb some of that stability almost without knowing it. If the adults around you generally regulate themselves well, repair after arguments and make home feel fairly safe and predictable, you may take some of those patterns into adulthood.
Other people don't have that experience. And then there are people who may simply be more anxious, sensitive or reactive by nature.
None of that means emotional regulation is fixed. Toby's point was that even if that steadiness wasn't there at the beginning, it can still be developed.
He also described adolescence as a time when some of our vulnerabilities become much more obvious. Hormones, friendships, relationships, rejection and independence suddenly turn the volume up on things we may not have noticed before.
Dysregulation isn't always dramatic
When we hear the words emotionally dysregulated, it's easy to picture somebody completely losing control. Often it's much subtler.
It might be becoming convinced a friend is annoyed with you when they haven't actually said anything. It might be catastrophising after a difficult conversation, obsessively replaying something you've said, becoming unusually irritable when you're tired, or sending a message in the heat of the moment that looks very different the next morning.
One of Toby's useful markers was projection: noticing when you're deciding what somebody else thinks or feels about you without actually having the evidence.
The weak ankle analogy
Toby compares emotional vulnerability to having a weak ankle.
If you know you have a weak ankle, it doesn't mean you can't run, dance, exercise or do everything everybody else does. You just know it's something you need to look after. The problems tend to come when you forget about it, push it too far and suddenly you've sprained it again.
Maybe you know that you're far more anxious after several nights of bad sleep. Perhaps alcohol makes you more likely to overthink a relationship. Maybe rejection is a particularly sensitive area for you, or conflict makes you immediately want to withdraw.
Slow things down
Toby's first piece of advice when you notice yourself becoming emotionally unstable was surprisingly simple: slow down.
If you can notice the process early enough, you don't necessarily need to solve it there and then. Sometimes the most useful thing you can do is avoid adding anything else to it.
Don't send the text yet. Don't make the decision yet. Don't automatically treat the thought as a fact.
Give yourself enough time for the intensity to come down.
Look for the pattern, not just the latest incident
Another part of Toby's approach is looking at context.
When he begins working with someone, he may map out their family and significant events in their life. When did particular difficulties start? What else was happening then? Were there similar patterns earlier?
That doesn't mean every argument with your partner needs to be traced back to childhood, or that parents are responsible for everything we struggle with as adults.
But sometimes what feels like a problem that began this morning has a much longer history.
You might notice that feeling excluded has always affected you particularly strongly. Or that uncertainty in relationships repeatedly sends you into the same anxious place. Bereavement, illness and difficult adult relationships can leave their own marks too.
Seeing the pattern can make the present reaction easier to understand.
And yes, we can improve it
This is the bit I find most encouraging.
When I asked Toby directly whether emotional stability can be developed if you didn't start with it, his answer was: “100%.”
And there is broader evidence that emotion regulation isn't set in stone. A 2024 umbrella review bringing together 21 systematic reviews found evidence that psychological approaches including CBT and DBT can improve emotion regulation across a range of adult populations, although the researchers also noted limitations in the evidence.
The aim isn't to become somebody who never gets anxious, angry, jealous or upset. It's becoming better at recognising what's happening before the emotion takes over everything else.
A useful place to start
For a week, try paying attention to the moments when you become much more reactive than usual.
What happened just before it? How had you slept? Had you been drinking? Were you hungry, overwhelmed or already stressed? Does the same feeling tend to appear around the same people or situations?
And when you notice yourself starting to spiral, see if you can name what's happening before doing anything about it.
You can hear my full conversation with psychotherapist Toby Ingham, alongside psychologists Victoria Shalet and Susie Reading in last week's special episode of The Health Review on emotional regulation, shame and self-compassion.
This feature is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. If difficulties with emotional regulation are significantly affecting your wellbeing, work or relationships, consider speaking to a qualified mental health professional.
Top Therapist Moments: Emotional Regulation, Shame & Self-Compassion
About this episode:
What can therapy teach us about the patterns we keep repeating, the way we speak to ourselves and what happens when old wounds show up in our relationships?
For this special episode of The Health Review, I’m bringing together three of my favourite conversations with psychotherapists and psychologists from the show.
Psychotherapist Toby Ingham explains emotional regulation, why our thoughts can spiral when we feel insecure, and his brilliant “weak ankle” analogy for understanding our own emotional vulnerabilities.
Psychologist and psychotherapist Victoria Shalet explores shame — where it comes from, how it can show up as perfectionism, people pleasing and judgement, and why our closest relationships can often expose the parts of ourselves that still need attention.
And chartered psychologist Susie Reading looks at self-abandonment, our relationship with our thoughts, self-compassion and why therapy can sometimes mean learning to feel more — not less.
Three different conversations, but with a common thread: understanding ourselves a little better can change the way we relate to our thoughts, our emotions and the people around us.